Where is my North Node?
I recently wrote a song called ‘Where the Fuck is my North Node?’. For those who don’t know (and I didn’t until recently) your North Node is something in astrology. That’s about as far as my understanding goes, but I gather that you can locate your North Node and, when you know where your North Node is, you can read your astrological chart related to its whereabouts, and, some believe, find out profound truths about yourself beyond those revealed by your star sign alone.
While I respect that it has an astrological meaning that is important to many, I loved the idea of playing with the phrase. In the song, I play with the idea of what a North Node might mean. Is it cold up there in the North Node? Is it an erogenous zone my partner can find?
The song also holds a deeper meaning – it’s a way for me to say that I don’t really care about astrology. This is not a value judgement on astrology or on anyone who loves astrology, it’s just my preference. And wow, it took a lot for me to say that.
You see, I’m what’s known as a ‘people pleaser’ and I have a bad habit of becoming a chameleon to other peoples’ likes and preferences, in order to please them. A few of my closest friends are into astrology in a big way. Having been around them for years, I’m no stranger to reading our horoscopes together and sharing how they relate to us. It’s never been something I’m that invested in but I’ve done anyway. It’s not like I got nothing out of it, as I do appreciate the way it gets us reflecting on our own experiences, and connecting over our hopes and wishes, but I know a big part of my participation in it has been to please my friends.
As I develop, through the help of therapy, I’m getting better at it, but I still feel weird and uncomfortable when I express a like, an interest, a preference of my own in any social setting. I feel terribly guilty when I do this, like I may have taken up too much room, and that I’ll be rejected by those around me.
That’s why it was a big deal for me to finally, after years of feigning interest, be honest with them. I think it was the absurdity for me of hearing the alien phrase ‘where is your North Node?’ that allowed me to look at the whole thing with humour, and have the confidence to say that I’m not really that fussed about astrology. I was delighted when they reacted with humour back. We shared in the funny ways the phrase could be interpreted, and how it could sound out of context.
I’m learning that it’s not only OK, but that it’s essential for my relationships, that I have my own personality, my own values and my own sense of what I’m interested in and what I’m not interested in. And that I share this with the people in my life. After all, honesty is the foundation of good relationships and it’s an unattractive truth that people pleasers are essentially liars.
“Putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar. It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons: not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.”
My fear of taking up too much room and displeasing others has also created barriers in my creative career. As I begin to honour my own needs I am able to begin consciously centring my own artistic voice and career as a songwriter and performer, confidently prioritising and advocating for my own creative work. That is my hope, anyway, even if it’s still an internal struggle for me to do this!
For example, now I’ve written this song, and I’ve been honest with my friends, but I’ve been struggling to take the next step - to share the song. Starting this blog a few weeks ago has helped, because for some reason I find writing on here strips away some of my usual fears around speaking my mind and eases my paralysing perfectionism when it comes to how I present myself in the public eye. I hope writing this blog post will give me the confidence to take that next step and share my new song, facing the fears I have around being more visible with my creative work
Process of sharing the song
What is it that holds me back from just sharing this song on my social media platforms? Perhaps I feel that there has to be a process followed, which includes a backing, a validation, from a professional body. While I do feel it would be ideal to be ‘backed’ in a professional way, I am also working to convince myself that it’s ok to just put myself out there and be my own backer.
Recently, I’ve been benefitting from engaging with Creative Entrepreneur's Club. In their recent web meet up, facilitated by Sandy Thomson, she said consider what keeps your soul alight, given that the weather is rough for artists. She recommended that I protect a space within my practice where my yes means yes and my no means no, to counterweight the amount of rejection that is built into the system.
I wonder if I can look on sharing this song, just because I want to, as giving myself a yes.
When I wrote the song, it was the first time in a long time that I wrote something just because I wanted to and because I was inspired to. My relationship with writing for the preceding year or so had been a mix of:
working to get funding to make my album, consisting of feelings of guilt for not getting funding applications done faster and writer’s block based on the skewed logic that if I was writing music, then why wasn’t I writing funding applications? - paralysing me from doing either!
managing a large scale community project teaching songwriting and composition. Whilst I loved that project, and I participated in the songwriting as part of this project, I did fall into my bad habit of putting all of myself into supporting others, whilst neglecting my own needs, leaving me depleted and burnt out.
When my resistance lifted and I wrote ‘Where The Fuck Is My North Node?’, it felt like I was inspired and working creatively for the first time in a long time and I was so excited by it. That was already a yes to myself, and it felt darn good, so I’m thinking this can be another to myself - to share the song because I want to and because it doesn’t have to be perfect, polished, mixed and mastered to move people.
Claiming my own “North” - a sense of direction
Do you know where your North Node is?
Personally, I don’t know, and I don’t care to know! Don’t try to tell me! Don’t take this as a plea for information. I am blissfully ignorant and it feels great!
By uncovering and identifying my likes and dislikes I am creating my own compass, which I hope will ultimately guide me in the directions that are right for me and ignite my soul.
I’ll finish by listing a few of my likes and dislikes:
I like rain, saunas, manicures, wool jumpers, romance novels, psychotherapy, storms, forests hot tubs and marmalade. I am not too fussed about astrology, videogames, politicians and magicians.
