Dealing with rejection
“You’re brilliant”; “I think you can do anything you want to, and no one can stop you.” These are two things my fiancée, Alex, said to me this evening after I received the unwelcome news that my application to Creative Scotland to finance my album was rejected.
This was the second time I applied to them for this project, meaning I’ve had my two chances. If your project proposal is rejected, the funding body allows for a re-application for the same project as long as you can show you have taken their feedback into account in your re-application.
The email containing their decision began with the words “After a full assessment…”. I could see those words in the preview of the email and I was already preparing myself for rejection. Surely if it was good news they would have started out with something like “We are delighted to inform you…” Those few words in the preview are all I allowed myself to read on Wednesday when I first spotted the email in my inbox, and today - Saturday - I opened the email at home with Alex. We agreed to have our current binge watch - Twin Peaks - ready to play, and snacks on hand, so that whatever the decision I could have that to take my mind of things after reading the email. After commiserating the decision briefly, we pressed play, biscuits in hand, and I allowed myself to become immersed in the TV show for a while.
I comforted myself with considering that David Lynch, who created Twin Peaks, will have had to face rejection and false starts as part of his career. One of his most acclaimed films, Mulholland Drive, was born from a failed TV pilot. We hear time and again that rejection is a necessity that artists must learn to deal with. Whilst it’s hard not to take it to heart and struggle with intrusive thoughts that tell you you should just give up, it’s encouraging to think that it’s not just me who has experienced rejection, and that it’s not necessarily a reflection of my abilities.
“ A setback can be an opportunity.”
But something like this rejection does lead me to dwell on thoughts like - “what am I really doing this for? Should I give up?”
And then I realise I just need to find my way. That at the heart of it, my purpose and values remain the same. My passions, and what gets me up in the morning, those things are still there.
When I recently attended the Creative Entrepreneur's Club’s ‘Purpose Driven Business Meet Up’ with Rachael Arnold (which I’ve already raved about in my blog post ‘Vanishing acts’) we talked about purpose. Rachael encouraged us to think about what our purpose is, the thing that gets you out of bed in the morning - your ‘North Star’. What you do is not the same as your purpose. So, for example, I sing, I write songs, but that is not my purpose, they are vehicles to my purpose, they are outputs. Vehicles to your purpose can be changeable and varied.
So this leads me to the question - what is my purpose?
For a long time I would have said that my purpose was to create safe, inclusive community spaces, to improve the health, wellbeing and self-esteem of those in the communities I work for and with. To offer opportunities for creative expression and amplify the lived experience of those marginalised in our society. I now can say for almost absolute certain that is not my purpose.
Having worked with communities for over 15 years now, I can confidently say that what I’ve just described comprises a large amount of my output, and it’s how I spend the majority of my time. However, it is not my purpose.
The itch I feel to develop my own creative practice and work creatively is guiding me to realise that my current vehicles are not fulfilling my purpose fully, and gives me determination to find and define my purpose, honour it, and let that drive my decisions.
As to what exactly my purpose is, well… I’m working on that and I hope I can tell you soon! In the meantime, I’m thankful to those, like Alex, who help me to believe I can do anything I put my mind to!
