A personal response: Women Musicians’ Experiences of Sexual Violence and Harassment in Scottish Folk Music
I first became aware of the newly published report Women Musicians’ Experiences of Sexual Violence and Harassment in Scottish Folk Music this morning. As I was sipping my morning coffee and watching a grey, wet and very windy day out the window, girding my loins for the cycle commute I was already late for, I opened Facebook on my phone and saw that my folk music colleague Findlay Napier has shared this on his feed calling it an important and very upsetting read.
Later, in the office, my colleague Sean said to me “Have you read that article that just came out?”. I guessed what he meant immediately. I said “ I haven’t read it yet”. He was exclaiming – 4 out of 5 women! It’s shocking 4 out of 5! That’s about 80% of women have experienced sexual harassment or violence in folk music. My response didn’t match his own. Quietly I sat there thinking it’s really not that surprising. Sean went on – We really should be shouting about this, letting it be known! I mean not the women, he said, not you, but more people should be aware of this. I said with a bit of humour to lighten it, yeah we’re tired Sean, I’m tired, I don’t want to shout out about it, especially knowing the responses I’ve had in the past where so many people don’t take it on board, dismiss it, pretend it isn’t happening, or even at times are complicit in it and letting it continue under the radar is in their best interest.
I can fully believe, based on my own personal experience and that of my peers and friends, that these numbers are not exaggerated. Maybe that is shocking, maybe that is upsetting. But honestly right now I don’t have it in me to feel shocked, I’ve felt it. I’ve felt it every day, every week, every month, every year and I don’t need to manufacture it on demand just because a report comes out about it.
I’m not trying to frame this like I think Findlay or Sean’s responses are wrong and indeed if they are in a position to shout about this, to share it, then perhaps that will help raise awareness of what looks like a thoroughly researched and important piece of work.
Perhaps I don’t have the strength to shout about it. The exchange with Sean just now ended because I said “Let’s not talk about it any more”. I made it light by laughing and saying “I’m tired” (tired of the topic, tired of the struggle associated with it). However, if I’m honest, I needed to end the exchange because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I know I said the statistics quoted from the article didn’t shock me, and I maintain that. I think what got me was that my experiences of sexual harassment and violence still leave me reeling, and sometimes, unexpectedly something touches a nerve and brings it to the surface. I think it was that I made it personal by saying to Sean “I’m tired, I’m not taking responsibility for shouting about it because so many times I’ve been met with dismissal or downplaying, let’s stop talking about this”. Expressing my boundaries in this way made it implicitly clear that I was one of the 4 in 5. Not something I normally bring up in day-to-day conversation. Feeling vulnerable, exposed, almost unmasked without my say so (although I recognise that wasn’t Sean’s intention), my breathing shallowed.
Sean, responding to my request to stop talking about it, went back to his work quietly. Sean, infamously in our office and with affection, is known to never be quiet! He’s a yapper! His silence unsettled me and in my anxious state I imagined the worst – I’ve offended him, he’ll never talk to me again. I was deathly afraid that I’d taken up too much space by inserting a hint at my lived experience into the conversation and made it about me. My rational brain filtered through and I realised that my response was because I was feeling exposed and vulnerable and I proceeded to self sooth to the best of my ability.
Self soothing – today this looked like:
Two breathing exercises to regulate my breathing (I like using the Finch App for this)
Hand on heart to ground myself physically
Arms crossed, hands resting on my shoulders to mimic a hug
Finding some peace of mind by reading poetry by Maria Popova on her Marginalian Blog – a personal favourite of mine!
After that, I had the wherewithal to take a look at the report, to open my blog, and the inspiration to write this down. Maybe I’m not ready to ‘shout’ about the injustices, but if nothing else, this blog post is my response. This is me finding a way to communicate in my own way. I’m not a loud confidence type person. I am interested in cultivating my own brand of quiet confidence, and, as a side note, this is something I aim to explore this year, as part of my personal development.
Going back to my anxiety thoughts, the irrational feeling that I’d taken up too much space by expressing my boundaries. I was worried that by asking to stop talking about it, I’d shut Sean down, that I’d been unreasonable. As my thoughts cleared and now as I write this, I see that that is not the case. However, I feel my response is indicative of the nature of sexual violence, and the general societal response, the media and public attitudes associated with sexual harassment and violence that are designed to shut women down and teach us that our voices aren’t as important as men’s and that we are being inconvenient if we bring it up. I have embodied this and that’s why I feel guilty, ashamed, if I use my voice in these matters. Perhaps particularly if I’m using that voice to request quiet, to request - “please don’t shout about it right now to me personally”. Yes, do shout about it – loud! But you’re preaching to the choir here and right now I’d like quiet please. Is that so wrong? It felt wrong, but I see now that it’s not.
Maybe my anxious response to Sean’s assertions that “people should shout about it!” was also a confusion over what that really means -isn’t that what the authors and contributors of the report are already doing? In an ideal world the type of informed research compiled and published in this report would be where we get the majority of our information. Instead we live in a world where those who shout loudest get heard, and where our media and governments are using our fear to breed mistrust and perpetuate destructive and harmful beliefs and behaviours (for a recent example local to Scotland, the No Recourse to Public Funds (NRPF) Partnership has created a Myth Buster fact sheet which addresses the false information being circulated about Asylum Seekers in the North East – it makes for a very interesting read). Every day we’re faced with this reality about our world – that the headlines that pop up on our social media feeds are somehow supposed to inform our take on things, despite the fact that those headlines are probably showing up due to an algorithm that is feeding your pre-existing interests and beliefs back to you. Personally, I find operating within this system deeply confusing and uncomfortable. With all the noise it’s hard to know what’s real and true in the media. Is there a balance to be struck? Informed and research-based findings being ‘sold’ in accessible and relatable ways?
Perhaps so, but today that’s not my problem. Today, I’m allowed to quietly process my response and I have a choice whether to communicate about it, in my own way, perhaps via this blog post (which I may or may not publish!).
And, in case you were wondering, Sean doesn’t hate me. It’s clear he went quiet out a respect for my needs. We got nattering soon after about what’s for lunch today and music recommendations (today’s earworm - Josephine by Stornoway) and equilibrium was restored. This makes my anxious heart happy.
