I recently enjoyed putting together a funding application that reflected my work as an artist in a way I felt really happy about, but the application was unsuccessful. It can be hard not to take this personally (I wrote about this in my previous blog post “Dealing With Rejection”) but it’s part of the process as a creative and you’ve got to keep going. Here’s something I want to say to others while it’s fresh in my mind; You don't have to wait for an organisation to appoint you as an Artist before you can begin treating your own artistic practice as something deserving of dedicated time and attention.
That is a message as much for me as it is for anyone reading this.
Sometimes I see other musicians and songwriters doing things that I wish I could be doing and I feel envious. Sometimes I look at them and I think - they must have more time and financial freedom than me. Sometimes I bitterly think, I bet they had the bank of mum and dad to get them started, while I’ve always had to work to survive, and haven’t had the luxury of swanning around with oodles of time to dedicate to my creativity. Sometimes I think, someone must have told them they are allowed to be an artist, that their voice matters, and I feel like that affirmative voice was missing for me at a crucial moment and I wonder how I will ever learn to be my own affirmative voice - how will I ever learn to give myself permission?
And then I catch myself and try and rein in those thoughts. I recognise they come from my own insecurities and there is no use resenting others. It’s useful to notice, and it shows me where I can gently and compassionately work on my own insecurities. The important thing that emerges from those moments of bitterness is questions like the one I reached above; “How can I give myself permission to treat my own artistic practice as something deserving of time and attention?”. I’ve talked a bit about permission before, in my previous blog post “Reflections on Defining Myself as an Artist”, and it’s still a live and tender topic for me.
Here’s another reminder, for me and for anyone that needs to hear this right now - My need for a dedicated artistic space is bigger than any single project of application. Whatever happens with funding applications, that need deserves to remain a part of me plans. With this blog post, I set this intention, to keep that distinction clear.
Here is my intention:
Dedicated time for my artistic practice
Financial support for my artistic practice
Freedom to explore my practice
Put myself forward first and foremost as an artist seeking time and space for my own creative development
And to articulate what I want for myself as an artist clearly, not only in future funding applications, but in general.
I feel an icky mix of shameful, undeserving, and entitled just writing that. And it makes me want to hide under the covers! If anyone has advice for how to tackle these feelings and how to ‘get out of my own way’ then I’d gratefully receive it.
