A recovering people pleaser

I’ve recently realised that I’ve always been what’s known as a ‘people pleaser’. For a lot of my life I’ve worked to the belief that other people’s wants and needs are more important than mine by default, and that if something pleases someone else in my life (from a friend or family member, to the barista serving me coffee, or even a stranger stopping me in the street) then it is the only right course of action. For a long time, I embodied a belief that anything that I want or need should be hidden, should not bother anyone else, and should always, always take a back seat to others’ perceived needs.

This essentially led me to try to fulfil my own needs in secret! My own needs became almost shameful, and I thought that if anyone heard about them, they would think I was very weird! Even things as seemingly simple as what books, films, and music I like and dislike were kept to myself more often than not. I touched on this in my previous blog post, ‘Where Is My North Node?’, where I mentioned how helpful attending psychotherapy has been in giving me the confidence to express my own likes, interests and preferences in social settings, and in developing self-belief around my creativity and work as singer and songwriter.

I’ve spent a long time afraid of taking up space and making my voice heard. This fear has proven to be a significant hurdle in my creative career, but I’m now starting to feel like I’m finally stepping into my own shoes and learning how to champion my own creative work as I start to let go of some of my people pleasing patterns of behaviour.

I’ve been finding it fascinating, validating and, frankly, life-changing, to explore how I became a people pleaser. I can now see that I’ve been trapped in the belief that I had to shape myself to the preferences of others, and keep my genuine needs quiet.

There are various reasons that I formed this belief, and I don’t intend to delve into the extent of my personal experiences and early childhood influences today - although I refer you to the School of Lifeas a great resource on the topic of people pleasing in general.

I have titled this blog post optimistically, stating that I am a ‘recovering’ people pleaser, as I do believe that I’m starting to find confidence in taking up space and using my own voice. Wish me luck!